10. Nothing but contentment

It’s a Sunday evening here in Loughborough. I’m tucked into the corner of the sofa with a glass of white and Norah Jones singing in the background. I’ve caught some sort of virus that has left me feeling a bit lethargic and sniffly, but I’m on the up now.

I felt like a real twenty something tonight – cooking my evening meal with some nice music and a nice, cool glass of wine without any worries on my mind. Thinking about it, I felt very, very present.

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Earlier on today I painted while watching a film called ‘Step Mom’, with Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon. It was the first time in months that I have watched a film from beginning to end… and I really enjoyed it! It was very heartwarming and made me feel good afterwards. Normally I struggle to concentrate but I made my way through it without having to try, understanding and taking it all in. It might not sound like any sort of achievement but it was for me. I often find that my head is too fuzzy or worrying too much about what I have/haven’t eaten to focus on a normal activity.

A little later on my Mum and Dad called in for a cup of tea. They were on their way home from a weekend in the Lakes for their wedding anniversary. They told me about the villages they might like to move to and showed me some homes that they might be interested in buying. This time next year they might have moved up to the Lake District. Hearing them imagining themselves in different houses on Rightmove made me feel really happy. They are both moving on to a big new stage in their lives, albeit an exciting and ‘just’ stage. Moving to the Lakes has always been part of their long term plan and I am proud of them both for making the leap for it. This time next year I could be travelling up north to see them… how bizarre! Bizarre, but so right. For whatever reason the Lake District feels more like home than Newport Pagnell does. For my family home to be there instead of on the edge of Milton Keynes is something I think I’ve been subconsciously looking forward to for years.

Anyway enough of my rambling. I decided to make this blog post because for the first time in as long as I can remember, I have had a couple of weeks where I have felt nothing but good things. The first week of my PhD has been and gone. I have three lovely supervisors, a great office and four amazing years ahead of me. I am so proud of myself for getting to where I am now. I earned myself an engineering degree and a place on a sponsored PhD, without obtaining a Master’s degree. I did that for myself! This week is the first week in years where I’ve felt true confidence in myself and the things I’ve achieved to get to where I am now.

I am only a week into my PhD but I know already that this is exactly what I’m meant to be doing. I have never felt so sure about anything else in my life. My intense, happy and passionate feelings are welcome in this world. This is what researchers need – extraordinary interest in discovering new ideas in the field they’re interested in. I feel like a whale that’s been living in a salt water pool and has just been released into the ocean. I’m now exposed to the big, beautiful world of academia. I feel so full of love and life, and the hopelessness I’ve been feeling for years seems to have disappeared for now.

I hope I feel like this forever. I hope I can enjoy many more days of exciting research; many more evenings of wine and chats with my friends; many more days out and nights in with the people I love. I hope this means I can manage the sadness and live so many hours of happiness and contentment. Life is beautiful and I hope I can always see that white light, reminding me of that.

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#depressionrecovery #edrecovery #recovery #lifeisgood #lifeisbeautiful

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